The Hormone Guide…
So, I have 5 women at my house, I often refer to it as a Womens Fraternity. Let me tell you what that means. I am alone. When picking a movie..I lose. When picking what we should do..I lose. When picking what to eat..I lose. When picking where we should shop..I lose. Now, I need to start by letting you know that I have the very best wife and girls on the planet and I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. If in doubt please refer to this post, “blessed beyond imagination.”
However, there are some things that I am learning that need to be passed on to some other men, for the sake of their very lives! See, there are days that all I do is open my mouth and I take my life in my own hands! My mom gave me this as a handy guide that should be carried like a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS |
SAFER |
SAFEST |
ULTRA SAFE |
| What’s for dinner? |
Can I help you with dinner? |
Where would you like to go for dinner? |
Here, have some wine. |
| Are you wearing that? |
You sure look good in brown! |
WOW! Look at you! | Here, have some wine |
| What are you so worked up about? |
Could we be overreacting? |
Here ‘ s my paycheck. | Here, have some wine.. |
| Should you be eating that? |
You know, there are a lot of apples left. |
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? |
Here, have some wine. |
| What did you DO all day? |
I hope you didn’t over-do it today. |
I’ve always loved you in that robe! |
Here, have some wine. |
My Disclaimer: Please don’t take this to seriously…its really meant for a good laugh.
HERE IS WHERE YOU CAN HELP:
1. If you are a female– can you offer some insights for my future??
2. If you are a male–can you take me fishing once a month?
Blake, if you’re ever up in the Louisville area I’d be glad to take you fishing… Also, next time we come down I’ll have to bring my gear so we can hit the Harpeth. We could leave our ladies to “fratenize.”
Looking forward to “loosing” too.
J
Jeff..that is going to happen..I like what you are laying down.
I might have to try and figure out a way to bring my canoe… hmm.
I can’t promise fishing, but I can guarantee a good cigar whenever you need it.
Thanks for the laugh… Have a great day! Love you, man.
JD
Josh…you are awesome!! We need to catch up soon!
I believe you need to share that with EVERY male you know!! Make copies and laminate!! That is too funny!! I think that I may copy this and give it to all my female friends and make sure that their husbands/sons/brothers etc. have copies too!!!
Thanks for sharing!
Lorrie
p.s.: yea, with ALL women in your house…you need to stay safest and ultra safe, legally speaking…especially once hormones begin to kick in with the girls!! I’m just sayin’…
That is CLASSIC.
Blake please tell me your dog is a female too?!?!?
I grew up in a household of four women and a female dog and although it was amazing to outnumber my dad; eventually every week in the month was taken with hormonal imbalance…I’m just sayin’…
On a positive note, this chart will put you on the right track. I would add “you are beautiful” and “I love you” to that chart as a daily requirement…And go a little easy on the guys. A full out SWAT team uniform and your shotgun is not necessary
I agree completely on the you are beautiful thing!!
So funny! And I am kind of surprised (pleasantly) that even with your disclaimer you didn’t get someone complaining about the alcohol reference.
Lindsey…I am kind of surprised as well…I fully expected to catch at least a little grief over that!!
Chris needs a copy of that card. He is outnumbered as well with two girls and a girl dog….. Not sure if he goes fishing but he loves Madden.
Have chocolate and icecream on hand all the time! Learn to listen more than you speak and don’t ever say something a woman says is irrational! There is always some rationality in everything we say!
When in doubt, just agree!
“when in doubt…just agree!”. That needs to be a bumper sticker or something…I am sure that will serve me well!
I love it…no wonder Ally is a boozer– how many times do you offer wine anyway
That is precious insight. And really, on behalf of women out there every race, color, religion and culture, I say this: We really can’t help it…so grab a surf board and life preserver and hang on…it’ll be a ride, but a really great one 
Hey Heidi…its great to hear from you. Yeah…you know Ally…she’s always strung out on something!!
Now…about your statement.. “can’t help it”…that’s crap!! that’s all I’m saying about that!
I had my wife and daughter at home with me after my son decided to abandon me for a stupid thing called college. I, like you, lost every battle it seemed but I had a secret weapon that I would unleash when I had just had enough. I would pass gas. Now I didn’t win one more argument because of it but somehow it made me feel better.
My almost 3 year old grandson is learning the technique too but after he releases his equalizer he says
“Pop, I parted!”
He is still having trouble saying his F’s but I’m sure he will get them soon enough.
I live in a house with four women, plus two female dogs. I think our hamster might be a male, but then again, he sleeps all day. So Blake, I totally identify with you.
Someone mentioned that all of the weeks taken with hormonal imbalance…unfortunately, most multi female households “sync up”, which means, you have one really BAD week, followed by three weeks of trying to make up for the one week.
But I do have a solution to your problem. Golf. Yes, GOLF. But here’s the trick – you have to get at least one daughter hooked on the sport. Once you do, my friend, that’s a lifetime kitchen pass. I have one daughter hooked on it and another is asking for clubs.
Harold’s solution will work in a pinch, unless of course, you passed that trait down to your daughters, like I did. We have a regular little orchestra going in my house!
Sorry to hear that Terry. Hang in there bro.
Harold…you didn’t share that gift with me while we were in the DR. I had no idea. I also share the same gift. I haven’t thought through a plan of passing this gift down, but you are definitely giving me inspiration! Terry…you are brilliant friend! I am teaching one of them how to play golf…that is going to happen!!
In reality, nothing is safe. “Here, have some wine” can be heard as “Please drink because you are stressing me out!” Love us, keep us, and know that when we over-react it is because we care and want everything (including ourselves) to be perfect for you. And then pour the wine.
dude, you’re too funny! any time you are in the palm springs area (maybe your girls’ chosen vacation destination?) you need to bring your bike. we will ride. then we will smoke. but not those sissy pinky sized ones we had in AZ that your wife gave you (bless her heart). we’ll smoke man sized cigars
if you ever do take me up on that, i can obtain a bike for you.
Dude, I’ve been living with two beautiful women since January 1 and it has been so…
interesting! Can someone teach me how it’s done? I guess I’ll start chilling the wine now and just wait until I need it.
And Blake, if you’re ever back in Edmond, I’m sure we can find something manly to do
okay this is hilarious and pretty on target too.
Blake,
I’m sure alot of guys would find that card so handy.. why not make copies & give it to every guy you know LOL.. Just kidding!!
Great Post!! I’m sure your learning alot from your experiences of having 5 women live among you! Just wait till your girls have daughters!! OH LORD.. maybe i better not go that far LOL
thanks for sharing!